How do i smile with tears in my heart...

It's getting harder when I have to be fine even I know my heart cries... I think I'm now serving two masters, where it is very impossible in fact... on one side I want to be me myself with joyful heart doing my good routines, having fun in a good way, serving His people.. but on the other hand, I'm lack of support... prayers, partner, friends.... People are kinda busy with their own stuff, I miss some of my past parts in my old life book... but at some points I need to realize to be in this present time where I find a lot of challenges, disagreements, unstable condition, different characters, and dissapoinments... I just can't say it out loudly... It's deep in my heart, and I know the reason though.. I'm not ready to hurt and be hurt by my lovely ones...

It's also annoying to see couple people with bad attitude and bad words, my goshhhh... seems like I deal with stupid people and I don't want to be affected by this kinda person anymore.... not anymore please... I also feel like here I am... again, in another transition point to make a new decision where I need to go... willing to lose who/whatever I love to find my own happiness I used to have OR staying at this happiness point, sharing life with others, but losing my interest which was a foundation of my life I guess... I'm pulled into another life and routines... I just know now that I can't be in two boats..... fiuhhhhhhhhhh.... neeeeddd some help :(